Childhood, trauma, and the struggle to connect with girlhood are all ideas that have been thoroughly delved into by various artists. My focus is less on the struggles of how I’ve made it to adulthood, and more on the success of the young girl that had to fight to get me to this point. My entire 20’s has been a journey of reparenting myself, and reconnecting with my inner child. It’s easy for me as a 23 year old, soon to be college graduate, to stand before you and pat myself on the back for all I’ve accomplished, but that would be disingenuous. I owe who I am both as an artist and as a person to the younger me. To the 12 year old who raised herself, to the 18 year old that managed to stick around, and all the versions of Carly before and in between. The idea for this background of my presentation came to me in a surreal way.

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        One night, in a moment of complete mental weakness I sat and recorded myself talking to my phone, I lamented about how abnormal my emotions felt within me and how lost I was. The visual diary ended with wishing that the future me who would watch this tape, be that 2 months, or 2 years from now, would be happier and healthier than me. I went to save the recording to a personal drive, unsure of my urge to do so but in doing that I stumbled across a video from 5 years ago. Two days before my 18th birthday I had uploaded a video that was in the same desperation as the one I had recorded that night. Through tears I sat and watched it, 18 year old me sat sniffling and puffy eyed, begging to feel normal, an exact mirror of me watching her. She explained how she didn’t plan to make it to 18 and now that it was upon her she was panicked, no idea of what to do with life. She said things all those years ago that I had verbatim said in my recent breakdown. As I sat there I found myself trying to soothe her, aching for the ability to reach out and comfort this child. I wanted to assure her that what she was feeling was okay, that she wasn’t some freak for struggling, and then it hit me… that girl was me. If I wanted so desperately to protect and nurture her then, why could I not currently offer myself that same kindness?

 

        From that point on I knew I wanted my Capstone to be an exploration of that connection. That I am who I am thanks to her. I haven’t lost that kid, I carry her with me in everything I do. I am the shelter and safety she sought after for our entire childhood. My canvas is meant to reflect this with its visual collaboration between adult me, the black and white, and the child me, the 3D colorful interior. I hold her within me but we are two forces at play, we make up one larger whole, and without one another we’d be incomplete. I specifically chose permanent markers as my main medium to symbolize how everything that touches my life (the canvas) is permanent to me, my daily interactions, my life milestones, my struggles. The nostalgic elements of the 3D collage is to symbolize this raw creativity that I used to possess and am just now reconnecting with. I wanted the finished piece to look like a collaborative effort between a methodical adult and their playful inner child. This project is less a celebration of me and my career at Tarleton, but more of a tribute to that young creative who never thought she’d last long enough to get to college, let alone to graduate.

 

        I encourage the viewer to get lost in the details of this piece, I wanted it to be a large almost imposing presence. I wanted her, us, to finally feel confident enough to take up some space and make a statement. The size of the canvas and amount of detail is meant to leave you standing there, present for what our story has to offer. I want the audience to seek out their favorite pattern, collision, or detail. I have reasons for a lot of the elements presented, but I also wanted it ambiguous enough that anyone could connect, apply their own meanings to parts. This viewing experience should synthesize human connection; you don’t have to know me to know there is more at play than just sharpie on canvas. Its intricacy is meant to entice, and its playfulness is meant to inspire. We all have these past versions of ourselves, it’s time to reconnect and rediscover with them.